New Year’s resolutions typically create a packed atmosphere at your local gym with people hoping to start the year off on the right foot. Let’s take a look at how some of what the New York Knicks are looking to resolve. 

Twenty-seventeen ended on a positive note with an away win in New Orleans against the Pelicans. Unfortunately, 2018 hasn’t started solid. A home loss to the San Antonio Spurs and two road losses, in our nation’s capital and down in South Beach, respectively, have the New York Knicks three games below .500 for the first time since Oct. 24, the date that marked the third game and loss of the brand new season.

In a year filled with made-for-TV sitcom drama, including the exit of both Phil Jackson and Carmelo Anthony, a little light-hearted humor seems the like the perfect way to begin 2018.

Jeff Hornacek channeling inner-Bart Simpson

The Illinois native has generally impressed with implementing a functioning offense and commanding that his players play hard on a nightly basis.

Yet, the team’s recent late-game execution has been a consistent issue. In a loss to the Detroit Pistons, Hornacek made a clear mistake subbing in Ron Baker during an offensive possession. Baker turned the ball over, and the Knicks were handed another loss on the road.

Hornacek clearly loves Baker. I don’t blame him. During last season when most players gave up, Baker was still out on the court giving 100 percent effort at all times. Nevertheless, he has his role and he should not be playing during crunch time in the fourth quarter if the Knicks need a basket.

Hornacek needs to channel his inner-Bart Simpson.

During the intro to The Simpsons, Bart writes on a chalkboard as punishment for getting into trouble. Hornacek needs to write, with the largest piece of chalk available, “I know I love Ron Baker. But he cannot receive crunchtime minutes on offense” until his fingers callous.

Similarly, during another road loss, this time against the Chicago Bulls, Hornacek had Michael Beasley inbounding the ball during the final minutes of the game. Beasley, just before receiving a five-second violation, passed the ball to Enes Kanter, who was forced to take a three-point shot.

He missed and the Knicks lost.

To be honest, the issue here is with Hornacek, not Beasley.

However, I get it. Beasley is a pretty intimidating guy and it’s probably hard to have a disciplinary conversation with him. Cut the guy a deal. Tell him that you’ll give him some title like “Knicks Ambassador to Science” and give him the opportunity to speak at conferences and/or schools about his “humans use more than 10 percent of our brain theory.”

But when I say “speak at conferences and/or schools,” I really mean like an empty warehouse building with mannequins in chairs.

Kristaps Porzingis‘ DM troubles

The Unicorn has been nothing short of amazing this year. A top-15 scorer and top three in blocks per game, Porzingis is making great strides towards earning his first NBA All-Star appearance.

However, aside from his basketball game, the 22-year-old has been very visible on social media. An article written by Maxim this past June details Porzingis’ forays as a young man into the world of direct messaging. It is clear that our young unicorn has had no shame in “slidin’ into DM’s” of female models all across the world. And while the 7-foot-3 phenom is probably not too used to being rejected on the basketball court, unfortunately, his journey into the art of seduction has not been so successful.

That same Maxim article shows that Porzingis first received the Dikembe Mutombo finger wag from, at the time, 17-year-old Ines Nikic via Instagram. But KP, persistent as always, came back for more. @TheHoopCentral tweeted this back in August 2017:

Although slightly more successful in future attempts, Porzingis proved once again that the thirst trap is real, sending his affections to Jen Selter.

Porzingis’ New Year’s resolution is simple, although it is cuffing season. KP needs to disable the direct message application on his Instagram. A good rule of thumb is, generally, to stay away from the J.R. Smith way of hitting on women.

Tim Hardaway Jr.‘s bubble-wrap

Knicks fans have truly missed Tim “Shimmy” Hardaway Jr. since he developed a lower-leg stress injury in early December. Unfortunately, these days, we often see Hardaway Jr. on the sidelines, cheering on his teammates in a walking boot instead of draining three-point shots from the perimeter.

Hardaway’s New Year’s resolution is to, literally, drape himself in bubble-wrap during every waking moment not spent on a basketball court. Additionally, Hardaway Jr. can take a page from Terrell Owens playbook, as he was one of the first athletes to employ the use of a hyperbaric chamber in his house.

Besides his physical health, it also may benefit Hardaway Jr. to take a long hard look his own mental health. Marc Berman of the New York Post writes that Michael Beasley has affectionately dubbed Hardaway Jr, as the “angry grandpa”.  The fifth-year man out of Michigan can easily seem like a man possessed when he starts to shoot well in the game.

Conversely, when things take a turn for the worst, Hardaway Jr. has a hard time hiding his emotions. Perhaps, in the spirit of the new year, Hardaway Jr. would do well to watch the “Serenity  Now” episode of Seinfeld or maybe even repeat the famous Carl Winslow mantra “3-2-1, 1-2-3, what the heck is bothering me.”

Here’s to hoping that 2018 brings the Knicks more wins, fewer injuries and someone that our franchise player can call “bae.” But even if these New Year’s resolutions don’t come true, you can find solace in that most people’s first day in the gym will also count as their last.