It’s December 23, and you know what that means, folks.
That’s right! Put up the aluminum pole and stretch out for the feats of strength. It’s Festivus!
We all know it. The Seinfeld-borne bit where Frank Costanza invents his own holiday to thumb his nose at Hallmark, commercialism, whatever. It’s a whole big show, throw in George and Jerry looking embarrassed, yada yada yada, someone gets pinned.
But let’s be real. We all know our favorite part of this faux-holiday, and it’s something we New Yorkers do all too well: Airing grievances.
After all, what better way to kick off Festivus? Whining, complaining, and everything in between. That said, we’ve got a lot to cover with all New York sports teams this year. Let’s begin.
Now, New York teams, I’ve got A LOTTA PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE, AND NOW YOU’RE GONNA HEAR ABOUT IT!
New York Jets. Quarterback chart. Moving on.
New York Giants. I’m not even a Giants fan, and yet this whole season is offensive. Joe Schoen made such a big deal of re-signing Daniel Jones only to see regressing to the mean hit him square in the face. And all at the cost of drama with Saquon Barkley and the franchise tag.
But it’s OK, because guess what? TOMMY DEVITO, BABY! Please. We all know he’ll be an afterthought by training camp if not outright traded. Leaning into the Jersey Shore stereotypes got old in 2012, so why do it again just for one local kid’s 15 minutes of fame?
Oh, and where’s the offensive line?? How is it that this team stumbled to two Super Bowls with Eli Manning and yet can’t draft linemen? What a joke. Tell Tommy’s old agent his taste in suit and hats sucks, and get out of my office.
New York Knicks. OK, I’ll say it. Leon Rose not speaking to media is getting old. Attending games isn’t enough. The team may be playing well, but why be so cagey about plans? Unless this is his and William Wesley’s way of keeping James Dolan’s hands off the wheel, would it kill him to meet with the press just once a week?
Don’t get me started on the injuries and streaky shooting. We’ll be here until Festivus 2024.
Brooklyn Nets. Go back to New Jersey.
New York Rangers. Playoff disappointment, playoff disappointment, and more playoff disappointment. And now it’s Peter Laviolette’s turn to try and win a Stanley Cup in New York. Don’t let being first in the Metropolitan Division fool you. The Rangers are and will continue to be the Boston Red Sox of professional hockey.
New York Islanders. Why are you still here? Seriously, do you even exist? What? New arena on the Queens-Nassau border? Cool, I’ll go when Metallica visits.
New York Mets. We’re at the headliners, and the Mets have grievances aplenty. How did going all-in on Justin Verlander and Max Scherzer go? Well, ask the Rangers and Astros next time you cut a check for Verlander. After all, neither trade happened without Steve Cohen agreeing to cover all salary.
And where’s this big offseason going? Yoshinobu Yamamoto isn’t happening. Blake Snell would be pitching’s Jason Bay after overachieving his way to yet another Cy Young. Jordan Montgomery would be nice, but even he seems more a consolation prize for the Mets.
Steve Cohen was supposed to be different, and yet it feels like the Wilpons still haunt Citi Field. The money isn’t as tight and spent smarter, but the Mets are still the Mets. Add Pete Alonso’s looming free agency, and 2024 could be another long ride on the 7 train.
Whatever. Yay Adrian Houser?
New York Yankees. Oh, did I have a BIG pile of grievances ready to go for this one. But then Brian Cashman went and traded for Juan Soto, and also hired James Rowson as the new hitting coach. Suddenly, what grievances?
But then, it happened. We all know what. And now, allow me to channel Frank’s Jay Buhner rage:
WHY DID YOU CAP AT $300 MILLION FOR YAMAMOTO?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Not only did Cashman drop the ball here, but royally. The Yankees implied they were going all-in on Yoshinobu Yamamoto and were even seen as the favorites. And they lost out over money. Evil Empire? Please.
And look, I get it! In baseball, money is often about the long game. Remember, the Yankees passed on Bryce Harper and Manny Machado, probably because Cashman was saving his silver bullet for Gerrit Cole. He could very well be doing the same for Soto, who hits free agency next winter.
Except everything implied the Yankees saw Yamamoto as their man and would do everything to sign him. Cashman even flew to Japan to watch him pitch a no-hitter. The Yankees even gave him a personalized jersey and a video message from Hideki Matsui.
That, everybody, is what you call going all-in on a player, or so we thought. Apparently a slight re-raise from both the Dodgers and Mets was too rich for Hal Steinbrenner’s blood. George is spinning in his grave.
Yankees fans are restless and the grievances are flying. The rest of this offseason had better be good.