New York Islanders

After a disappointing 4-0 loss to the Philadelphia Flyers on Saturday, the New York Islanders are in the midst of making some much-needed changes.

By Justin Weiss

General Manager Garth Snow announced Saturday that the team is nearing a deal with Dave Chyzowski, who last played in the NHL in 1996-97.

“He can’t play any worse than the guys we’ve currently got out there,” Snow told the media. “Still, we’re confident that we’re going to win the Stanley Cup this season.”

Chyzowski, 44, compiled 31 points in 126 career games, and was considered one of the greatest first round (2nd overall) picks in league history.

Snow also announced that the team is attempting to trade Marek Židlický, Brian Strait, and forward Steve Bernier to the Edmonton Oilers for Taylor Hall and Ryan Nugent-Hopkins, although Edmonton GM Peter Chiarelli hasn’t yet budged.


“He said these guys aren’t talented enough. I told him, like, ‘hey, you kidding right now? Who wouldn’t want these guys on their team?'”

If there’s one person who certainly doesn’t mind these guys, it’s Jack Capuano, the fan-favorite head coach of the Isles.

Although the Islanders only managed 19 shots against a team they usually have success against, Capuano wasn’t ready to panic quite yet.

“I thought we did some good things,” Capuano said [1]. “Some guys [just] need to step up their game. All in all we played a good game, just didn’t get the bounces.

“Brian Strait was exceptional. Look at guys like Nick [Leddy] and Adam [Pelech]. Brian only had a -1 rating. They both had a -2. Johnny [Tavares] and the offense was also solid tonight. I liked the effort. Sure, it would have been nice for some pucks to go in, but I’m proud of the opportunities they created.”

Isles fans agreed.

“Whatever Cappy says, I trust him,” Chris Rodgerson told Elite Sports NY. “There’s nobody in the sport that has taken a team to the next level like Jack Capuano. I have total faith.”

[1] Gotta give credit where credit is due: Jason Hoehman was the provider of that quote.
[2] This article is intended to be satirical. A blend between Isles fan reactions, my observations, and the current dire situation. Sorry, not sorry.

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