Yankee Stadium
Vincent Carchietta | USA TODAY Sports

Christmastime can be stressful, especially Christmas dinner. It’s basically Thanksgiving 2.0 and having to see relatives again a month later. Cut to more family drama, and some of us would rather be anywhere else.

For the Yuletide New Yorkers, why can’t that place be Yankee Stadium? Think about it. Dinner in the home clubhouse, some pickup softball on the field afterwards, then back to the clubhouse again for dessert and Christmas movies. We’ll even throw in a post-Christmas nap on the D train on the way home for good measure.

We’ve got two days until holiday bedlam at home. Let’s destress and build a perfect Christmas dinner for the big ballpark in the Bronx.

Appetizers. Early on, Christmas dinner is just about catching up and loosening up. Imagine yourself and all your Yankees friends sitting around the locker room and sharing memories from the season, sipping on a spiked hot chocolate or smooth winter stout. Just when you start feeling hungry, out come the appetizers.

We’ll start with some cocktail Sumo Dogs, hopefully less messy than their regular sized counterparts. Even better, the spicy mayo and wasabi relish could get out some sweats ahead of the bigger meal. For those who want to avoid spicy, there can also be pulled pork sliders from Mighty Quinn’s. And because we’re being nice and adding a vegetarian option, we’ll gamble on the veggie sushi rolls from Benihana.

Oh, and bacon on a stick. Because bacon on a stick.

Entrees. We’re going to cheat here and venture outside Yankee Stadium, but not too far. Yankee Tavern is down the road and makes the best chicken parmesan in the Empire State by a wide margin. That’ll be the star of the show once everyone’s sat down.

Additionally, no dinner rolls or bread baskets this year. In true Yankee Stadium tradition, we’ll replace those with chicken buckets! Everyone likes chicken tenders and the fries are just extra carbs. What’s not to like? For those who are heathens and don’t want fries, tater tots are available with all the fixings.

But wait, there’s more. For those who don’t want chicken parm, there’s Lobel’s prime rib and City Winery’s rotisserie chicken. Bronx street corn can be our obligatory vegetable.

Dessert. Remember, there’s pickup softball before dessert. That means we burn off dinner and probably have a few drinks in between. This is where we’ll probably deviate from what Yankee Stadium offers and everyone brings their favorite Christmas cookie.

BUT, that doesn’t mean Yankee Stadium is entirely out of the picture. Every single one of the Grand Slam Shakes is available for dessert along with hot chocolate.

Best of all, for those who don’t have a sweet tooth but still want to eat, we’ll include a full Halal Guys spread. White sauce, hot sauce, and all the gyro meats. A true New York Yankees Christmas dinner has thus been achieved.

Time for the best part where we all take our last round of food to the back of the clubhouse, get comfortable, and watch Die Hard since it’s the best Christmas movie.

Merry Yankees Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

Josh Benjamin has been a staff writer at ESNY since 2018. He has had opinions about everything, especially the Yankees and Knicks. He co-hosts the “Bleacher Creatures” podcast and is always looking for new pieces of sports history to uncover, usually with a Yankee Tavern chicken parm sub in hand.