Ah, Festivus.
We all love the completely made up holiday invented by the best Seinfeld/TV character ever, Frank Costanza. The holidays are stressful enough and commercialism is annoying. Why not have a holiday that’s the exact antithesis of that?
So how does Festivus apply to New York sports, specifically the Yankees yours truly watches so intently each season? Look at the traditions and it’s astonishing how much they match up.
For example, Aaron Judge and his MVP season alone is a great feat of strength:
Still, let’s be honest. Festivus is all about the complaints and grievances. It just takes 20 seconds of looking at #YankeesTwitter to know it’s what any Yankees-adjacent folks do best. New Yorkers complain and gripe about everything. It’s just what we do.
But even with the Yankees’ great offseason, it’s important to remember Festivus is about complaints and grievances from the previous year. And I know we all have lots of opinions there.
So, without further ado, let us begin Festivus 2022 with the airing of grievances. Yankees brass, listen closely. I’ve got a lot of problems with you people– especially you, Brian Cashman — so take notes.
First of all, why is Isiah Kiner-Falefa still on the team? Seriously, $6 million? You should be paying the fans $6 million apiece just to watch him make bad throws and pop out to second base. And no, we don’t care about the high walks and low strikeouts. Eat the money and let Oswald Peraza take over.
And while we’re at it? You owe us all an apology for Aaron Hicks too.
Get that uncomfortable look off your face, Hal Steinbrenner because, in the words of WCW legend Goldberg, YOU’RE NEXT! While we very much appreciate you being aggressive this offseason, why can’t you act like your father all the time? Do you really think he’d let Cashman and the analytics run the show this much? Maybe do more than just the obligatory midseason and end-of-season press conferences and be just a little more hands-on with your team, OK?
Last but not least, the Yankees squad themselves. Fellas, remember that bad August? That was Charles Barkley levels of not terrible, but turrible. 10-18 is unacceptable for any first place team, even with injuries. Never let it happen again or we’ll tell the boo-birds to show up with megaphones.
Oh, and worst of all? You know what’s really got us mad this year? Thanks to Santa Steve Cohen spreading his cash around, the Mets fans have no grievances to air this year!
Whew, anyway, that was a lot. Let us now enjoy our traditional Festivus spaghetti dinner and carb load for the feats of strength.
Alright, IKF. Get ready, because Festivus isn’t over until you pin ten angry fans.
