Photo Courtesty: Twitter @MLB

The Cleveland Indians have settled on a name change and will soon be known as the Cleveland Guardians. ESNY isn’t impressed.

My morning coffee is ruined and it’s all Cleveland’s fault.

You see, the Cleveland Indians finally made a decision regarding their upcoming name change. After going through several new options and logos they have settled on…the Cleveland Guardians.

The team hired Tom Hanks, America’s Dad himself, to narrate the video announcing the name change.

Logos for the Guardians were also released.

Not to immediately rain on the parade, but what a dumb name. Like, seriously. Cleveland has so much history and the best the team could do was Guardians? As in two statues on a damn bridge that just have a guardian-like vibe to them?

Oh, and what about the logo? My eight-month-old daughter can barely hold a spoon by herself for 30 seconds and hasn’t started drawing yet. I could have stuck a crayon in her hand and she would have managed to draw a better logo before wondering what the color red tasted like.

They could have gone with Cleveland Splendors to honor Harvey Pekar, the comic book artist whose American Splendor comics offered a unique perspective on middle America. Perhaps ownership ran into an issue with the trademark of Cleveland Rockers, the defunct WNBA team whose name exudes Cleveland’s rock-and-roll history.

Or even anything associated with rock music would have been better! Cleveland Shredders; Axes; Roadies. Instead, they picked something safe and more reminiscent of the Marvel Cinematic Universe than baseball.

And then they got Tom Hanks, America’s Dad, to disappoint us when it’s really us who should be disappointing him. We all know how the dynamic works!

Then again, I guess this means Chris Pratt can throw out the first pitch next season? Well, fine then.


Josh Benjamin has been a staff writer at ESNY since 2018. He has had opinions about everything, especially the Yankees and Knicks. He co-hosts the “Bleacher Creatures” podcast and is always looking for new pieces of sports history to uncover, usually with a Yankee Tavern chicken parm sub in hand.