Jose Bautista
Nick Turchiaro-USA TODAY Sports

They catch baseballs. Now, can they catch these hands?

When you’re the short friend, the number of short jokes made is endless. It becomes a personality trait whether you want it to be or not. Especially when you’re 4’10” and three-quarters like I am, it’s pretty hard to ignore.

So when one of my friends compared me to a garden gnome, after I had previously compared Jose Altuve to a garden gnome, I got a poll on who thought I could beat him in a fight.

Turns out not many people did.

So naturally, I compiled a list of MLB players who I wholeheartedly think I could beat in a fight.

1. Jose Altuve (bet you didn’t see that one coming)

Height: 5’6″ Weight: 165 lbs

The thing with Altuve is that he’s probably closer to 5’5″ as almost every athlete is taller on the roster than they actually are. I also don’t weigh that much less than him so it would be a pretty fair matchup. Alongside his affinity to taking the easy way out, I could probably get in AT LEAST a few punches before he gets too embarrassed and taps out.

2. Freddie Freeman

Height: 6’5″ Weight: 226 lbs 

You may be thinking, how do you expect to beat someone a foot and a half taller than you in a fight? Well, I don’t think Freddie Freeman would have the balls to hit me. That man is the most likeable person in baseball and for good reason. I could easily just attach myself to his legs and make him fall. Since he has such a long way down he’d probably pass out (that’s science I promise).

3. Jacob deGrom

Height: 6’4″ Weight: 180 lbs 

Similar to Freddie, I don’t think deGrom would hit me. But mostly because his hand is insured for a lot of money. deGrom definitely wouldn’t want to risk injuring it.

4. Jose Bautista 

Height: 6’0″ Weight: 205 lbs 

 

I rest my case.

5. Dustin Pedroia

Height: 5’9″ Weight: 170 lbs 

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty sure I could just go for his knee and win on the spot. Is it dirty? Yes. But that never stops Manny Machado. He’s also 5’9″ and has 20 lbs on me, max.