Jacob deGrom, Gerrit Cole
ESNY Graphic

With spring training still in its infancy, baseball fans are out and dishing out those cold, ridiculous takes sure to look hilarious.

The pop of the glove, the crack of the bat, the smell of the grass and hot dogs and the coldness of the takes.

Wanting a pitcher with a 1.90 ERA cut.

Begging someone with 53 home runs to get in shape.

The baseball season is back.

There is nothing like analyzing the entire upcoming 2020 season based on a bullpen session in February.

According to Twitter, Gerrit Cole’s career as a Yankee is basically over before it started and is already a bust.



He also totally hates his teammates.

Not to mention, Justin Verlander was a Hall of Famer well before he even went to Houston, but whatever.

He also knew about the Astros cheating in 2017, and therefore, despite spending 2017 with the Pirates, he is a cheater. The tweet below has since been deleted; good thing the wonderful world of screenshots exist.

We move to Port St. Lucie, where always skinny Pete Alonso decided to eat food this winter and might as well just retire.

Jonathan Smith might have abs, but Alonso has 53 more major league home runs than he does.

Theodore Larry clearly hates the guy who basically carried the Mets to 86 wins.



Alonso also apparently wants to get hurt and should not practice fielding.

And for good measure, he should just not play first base. Now in Rob’s defense, Dominic Smith had a nice season last year, but no. Just… no.

Contrary to popular belief, baseball players actually do things outside of playing their position. That is not allowed.

Gold Glove pitcher Marcus Stroman took some grounders at short and should be banned from baseball for it. He should just be on a mound 24/7.

The same goes for J.D. Davis.

Let’s go back to Tampa, where the Gary Sanchez haters have returned. Boy am I going to miss the “Romine should start” folks (shoutout Gil in Bensonhurst).


David Stevens is woke, too.

This guy has an issue with Kyle Higashioka, who is fighting for the backup job.


I may be crazy, but that might be why he’s on the bubble to make the major league team.

He has a point though. Brian Cashman needs to get Yadier Molina and Buster Posey as the backups right now.

Or this guy.

It’s no secret that Adam Ottavino struggled in the postseason. But despite his career-low ERA and second-highest K/9, he shouldn’t be near pinstripes.

And of course, Luis Severino is not focused, nor is he throwing hard. He should just forfeit.

We head back to Southeast Florida. Brandon Nimmo, one of the best eyes in the game, should never pick up a bat again. His .395 on-base percentage, the sixth-most in baseball since 2018 (min. 200 games) is totally worthless. 

It also would not officially be spring training without one criticism of the back-to-back National League Cy Young Award winner. Jacob deGrom does not stretch. His season is over.

Oh, and Yankees, if you’re hiring, I got a guy.


Welcome back, baseball. More bizarreness awaits.