New York Yankees
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For each New York Yankees player, there is a classic movie that fits his personality perfectly. Today, we align it all and break it down.

Kelly's Comments

I may have backed myself into a corner. A couple of days after the MLB All-Star Game, I tweeted out that I was gonna get refocused and put out at least 2-3 articles.

Of course, by saying this, I neglected to consider the fact that the New York Yankees hadn’t played any baseball for quite some time. So there’s nothing to write that hasn’t been covered already.

But a Twitter guarantee is a Twitter guarantee. So without further ado, it’s time to match your favorite Yankees player with his classic movie counterpart.

Giancarlo Stanton – The Godfather

I’m not going to lie to you. This is entirely because Giancarlo Stanton is so Italian that he legally changed his name from “Mike” to “Giancarlo.” And what’s the first movie you think of when you think “Italian?” The Godfather, obviously.

I could probably sell the comparison between the public’s opinion on The Godfather being either pure hate or unadulterated love to the perception of Stanton being a homer or strikeout guy. The truth of the matter is it rests entirely on the Italian comparison.

DJ LeMahieu – Terminator

Ok, this one might be a little bit of a cop-out, too, given that DJ’s nickname is “LeMachine.” I still defy you to find a more accurate comparison. LeMahieu has been ripping pitchers all year, sporting the highest batting average in the American League. His numbers with men-on-base are even more preposterous, proving that he can go for the kill shot any time he wants.

And he does it all without a showing a single emotion. If DJ LeMahieu‘s perfect comparison isn’t a killer robot meant to destroy all humanity (really just opposing pitchers), I don’t know what is.

Brett Gardner – Anything staring Danny Devito

This is mean, but Gardy is short and I can’t look past that. After the helmet to the face incident, he’s two, maybe three short jokes away from an explosion like this:

Gardner is also a weirdo that doesn’t listen to music on long drives. I’m not sure if that’s relevant,, but I haven’t fully trusted him since that was discovered.

Aaron Judge – The BFG

Sure The BFG might not be one of the oldest classics in this article, but I have a hard time comparing Aaron Judge to anything but a gentle giant. If you didn’t know he spent his summer nights mashing baseballs to the planet formerly known as Pluto, you could safely assume he was a mild-mannered accountant who spends his weekends volunteering at the local animal shelter.

If that doesn’t scream “Big Friendly Giant,” I don’t know what does.

CC Sabathia – Star Wars

This one is just a tribute to the movies that gave us the R2C2 podcast with CC Sabathia and Ryan Ruocco. CC has been around the league long enough to qualify for comparison to the entirety of the Star Wars series (except Phantom Menace). I respect him too much for that disaster to be involved in the comparison.

It also makes perfect sense due to the idea that over the latter years of his career, Sabathia has learned how to throw some pretty filthy breaking balls. I don’t think there’s any chance his backdoor slider exists without his discovering his force abilities so Star Wars (minus Phantom Menace) it is.

Gary Sanchez – Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest

This comparison applies only to the scenes of the movie in which The Kraken is called upon. Sanchez may not always be the most consistent hitter on the team, but once somebody plays the scene of Davy Jones yelling “Release the Kraken!” on the jumbotron, there is no one on this planet more dangerous with a wooden stick in their hand.

Letting Gary Sanchez get hot is the exact equivalent of sailing into waters deep enough for a mythical creature to devour your ship.

Didi Gregorius – Inspector Gadget

Comparing Didi to Inspector Gadget hinges on one thing and one thing early. Extendo arms. No mere mortal should be able to do what the knighted one can do with a glove. We’ve seen him grab jumping liners, field balls barehanded and throw to first in a fluid motion and range so deep into the left side hole that he might as well be playing short and third simultaneously.

None of this could be possible without extendo arms. None of what Gregorius can do should be possible with extendo arms. We’re just lucky we have a shortstop with mechanically enhanced range and throwing strength.

Gleyber Torres and Miguel Andujar – The Sandlot

Gleyber Torres and Miguel Andujar are the exact embodiment of “the boys of summer.” They spend their days hanging out at the ballfield and cracking jokes in the clubhouse. I truly believe both of them would be just as happy playing for the New York Yankees as they would playing in a dirt patch in suburban California circa 1960.

New York Yankees

Gio Urshela, Mike Tauchman, Austin Romine, and Cameron Maybin – The Other Guys

Gio Urshela, Mike Tauchman, Austin Romine and Cameron Maybin may not have been the players we expected to produce for the 2019 Yankees, but sometimes your star detectives jump off a roof chasing bad guys and don’t make it to the bushes. When the Injured List starts looking like the starting lineup for the All-Star team, it becomes a next-man-up situation.

Domingo German – Rookie of the Year

Rookie of the Year, a story of a young ballplayer who isn’t that good and then breaks his arm, is spot on with this one. On the other side of that injury is a heater straight out of Nolan Ryan‘s back pocket.

A perfect comparison? Maybe. German was starting to look like he was destined for the bullpen before exploding out of nowhere this year. All the early injuries forced him into a starting role and he hasn’t let his foot off the throttle since. I’m not saying that German had some secret arm injury in the offseason that helped him put his great stuff together; I’m just hoping he doesn’t slip on a ball walking out of the dugout and go back to “good stuff but needs command” German.

James Paxton – Atanarjuat: The Fast Runner

I have literally never heard of this movie, but according to the obviously 100% factual Wikipedia page on the top Canadian movies of all time, this is number one.

That being said, I have no idea how this connects to James Paxton. His nickname is The Big Maple and he has a maple leaf tattooed on his arm so it seems appropriate. He also threw a no-hitter in Toronto so this guy is as Canada as it gets.

J.A. Happ – Paul Blart: Mall Cop

J.A. Happ gets to be Paul Blart because it’s the most ridiculously average movie that I can think of. Sure, there are some funny moments. Sure there are some moments that make you wish you save the $10 ticket. No matter what happens, this movie is destined for the Sunday afternoon slot.

That’s exactly who Happ is as a pitcher right now. He’ll mostly give you a quality start and let the offense do the heavy lifting. Sometimes he’ll toss a gem and sometimes he’ll toss a stinker. Happ is built for the Sunday matinee in a series that’s already been won. You won’t turn the game off at any point, but it might be tough to stay mentally engaged the whole time.

Aroldis Chapman – Fast and Furious

If you think this not so clever pun is just a nod to Chapman throwing the ball really hard, you’re absolutely right. He routinely lives in the triple digits and looks like an absolute psychopath at all times. This is the kind of comparison that isn’t even fun to make because it’s so obvious.

Luke Voit – Hercules

Duh.

The Relievers – Avengers: Endgame

*There will be spoilers in this. If you haven’t seen Endgame by now it’s on you.*

I had to figure out a way to fit Avengers: Endgame into this list and the bullpen is it. The 2019 Yankees bullpen has some of the best weapons I’ve seen in a bullpen ever. With the three-headed monster of Adam Ottavino, Zack Britton and Tommy Kahnle is just about as dominant as the Iron Man, Captain America and Thor trio. Sure, not everyone is a superstar but even Ant-Man plays an important role like Luis Cessa does for the Yankees.

Masahiro Tanaka – Spider-Man

Clearly, I’m in the Marvel movies portion of this list because I’m comparing Masahiro Tanaka to Spider-Man. This comparison rests on one thing and one thing alone: giving up the long ball. Everyone familiar with Spider-Man knows that he has the worst luck of anyone that’s ever lived.

Likewise, Tanaka has the worst luck with giving up the long ball. He can carve up a lineup with the best of them but every time he makes a mistake, the ball finds a section of the park that starts with a two. There is no room for error for Tanaka and anything that stays up in the zone is just asking to become a highlight.

Of course, everybody knows that when everything is on the line, Spider-Man is at his best. Tanaka has been an absolute gamer every time the Yankees needed him the most. Even if he doesn’t have his best stuff, he grinds deep into the game and does what he needs to do to walk away with a team victory. Tanaka and Spider-Man are unparalleled in the category of “clutch.”

Aaron Hicks – Fast Times at Ridgemont High

Fast Times at Ridgemont High is the most California movie I can think of. Aaron Hicks is the most California player I’ve ever seen. Everything he does on the field just makes you think, “Damn that guy is so cool, but he’s so casual about it”.

Every time a ball is hit to center, Hicks is already in the right spot. He feels no pressure up at the plate, routinely working around two-strike counts to draw a walk or do some damage. His level of cool is simply unmatched and that comes directly from his California upbringing.

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