Breaking News: there is new information on all of the New York Jets’ free agent targets that spurned them. We have all the details here.

Initial reports suggested that every free agent the New York Jets chased who decided to go elsewhere came down to the fact the organization is horrible. Upon further review, new information suggests otherwise.

The big fish the Jets were chasing included, arguably, the No. 1 defensive free agent on the market, Dont’a Hightower. The Jets offered cupcakes, money and love. They even sent his mom official Jets gear.

But just when the Jets were about to kneel and make the proposal official, they discovered a fatal flaw.

“The Jets initially offered Hightower a five-year, $62.5 million contract. After a physical, however, the team had concerns about his health, and it became clear New York wouldn’t give the linebacker the type of guaranteed money and total dollars it would take to land him, a source told Pro Football Talk’s Mike Florio.”

Oh, so the Jets didn’t really want him? Was this before or after he ended up re-signing with the New England Patriots?

While this may seem like a scorned masculine figure simply digging up or fabricating dirt to save face, it’s not. Then we discovered a trend every free agent the Jets had contacted and shortly after got rejected by, all had issues.

Tony Jefferson, one of the best free agent safeties on the market, seemed like he was headed for Gotham. A family reunion with former coach Todd Bowles made a ton of sense, right?

Nope. Familial connections and “reportedly, more money,” wasn’t enough. Or was it?

Actually, the Jets had too many safeties and this was a smokescreen, instead, forcing the Baltimore Ravens to spend more money.

Genius.

But in all seriousness, the Jets had the prerequisite cap space to do a little bit of damage in free agency and chose not too, for the most part. Whenever they did swing the bat (aforementioned above), they swung and missed.

All of these reports coming out after the fact are garbage. The Jets would’ve signed Hightower if they could have. They just couldn’t sell the fact that they just gutted out their entire roster and are tanking for next season.

Why would Hightower give away chances for more Super Bowl title to waste away the prime years of his career on a losing team? It’s a harsh reality, but one the Jets are apparently fully embracing.

(In case you haven’t figured it out already, this was a parody article based on all of Mike Florio’s reports on why the Jets decided to not sign a certain free agent.)

And thus this thing we call “Jets fandom” keeps marching on.

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